Lessons Learned

After my not-so-happy New Year I felt it necessary to reflect on the horrific dating year of 2009. What have I learned about dating? God, I must have learned something. So I posed the question to two of my closest allies, the ones that had to endure detailed reports of how each tragic date had played out. What was the biggest mistake I made when it came to the male species? Fortunately, or unfortunately, this was an easy question for them both and answers were spat back within minutes. And after that, there was no writer’s block. Unfortunately the keys practically typed themselves...


1 . Not seeing the forest for the trees
Hope comes before reality. We all do it, just in my case I do it with every man that tickles my fancy. It begins with my declaration of new found love to all those in a close proximity of my world (And sometimes to those that aren’t so close.) Descriptor words such as incredible, amazing, smart, down to earth, successful, and ‘great man’ are commonly tossed around. At 2 weeks is when it all comes undone. His douche bagginess is exposed...to me, and to the rest of the world he’s been a DB this whole time. 14 days you won’t get back. Just like the hockey player - fucks yah and chucks yah.

2. He’s going to get over her – he promises
False. This will NEVER ring true. You know who you are in this situation? Your just the hot naked girl in his bed with her face pasted on yours .Commitment? Not a chance. If you find yourself knowing facts about the ex like what kind of puppy she just got, what award she just won at work, where she bought her most recent furniture collection – girl he is far from over it...’he promises’. BOUNCE!

3. Converting old friends to lovers
Sounds like a brilliant idea, the beginning to a fairy tale, just think of the stories that could be told when you tie the knot...WRONG! Don’t let this ever so appealing idea cross that impulsive head of yours. I was a victim to this twice this year. As if I didn’t learn the first time. Cow tipping and beer bonging in your teens doesn’t equate to a fiery sex life in the present. Both cases were ahem, underperformers to say the least. One way to narrow down your facebook friends list?!

4. Opposites do attract...sometimes
Do a little research. If his passion is spending time at the lab researching cures for particular ocular diseases and yours is workin a crowd, maybe dig deeper... and if there is nothing there just state the obvious. You don’t want to be getting email invitations to hit the morgue to collect eye lids off dead bodies in order to take the research to the ‘next level’– There will be no next level - abandoned ship.

5. Blind dates and hot coffee don’t mix well... or do they?
Blind dates are like job interviews only with cocktails and in this case it was a Venti dark roast sans cream...extra hot. Lesson One in this scenario: Never run late for a blind date. I arrived like a hurricane, 20 minutes late, dishevelled and sweating. I spot him. Whoah, chiselled chin, fit, well dressed eyes that make your inner thighs tremble. I approach, he stands up, our hands embrace for a good shake and then it happened. Must have been my gale force, but that Venti covered his front from his bulging pecs, passed his man parts and all the way into his shoe. 6 seconds! 6 SECONDS! It gets worse. I run to the Barista and spill the news. I ask for a stack of napkins, a cloth and some quick advice. “Should I run?” I ask. It takes her awhile and she tells me to man up and scoot back to the table. There I find Blue Eyes still standing, shocked, in a pool of Pike Place. Lesson Two: Let him pat his own crotch region dry. There I was, on my knees, unfortunately not completely the task he had in his fantasy, patting his body down from pecs, to penis...all the way to his foot. Surprisingly, he took it all in well. He put his hand on my back and gently told me to get off the floor. You would think this would have sealed the deal...but quite the contrary. Blue Eyes still exists...after a month or so has passed we had a reunite. He dropped off some drugs to cure this ailing flu. Could he genuinely have interest in me after such an episode or am I his only hope now that he can’t reproduce?