The Arteest

How do these things occur? I discover this amazing musician. I email his website to order a cd. We correspond via email. Happens to be in the same city. We meet in person for the transaction and 4 hours later our "date" comes to an end. The hesitant 'do we kiss do we not kiss' moment where everyone on the sidewalk surrounding you knows whats going down...and then the akward 2 hug goodbye takes place and we part ways. Why do we always fall for the musician? The sheer inconvenience that this man lives on the other side of the country will not stop me from charming him into thinking I am his serendipitous lover. I best be getting mention in his next love ballad. Look for it on itunes soon...just give me some time to lay it on thick.

Who's in the running...

No one man has caught the eye of this tiger. Blue Eyes almost got kicked to the curb when he declared at 2am that I was 'the worst person he ever slept beside'. I DON'T EVEN SNORE! Perhaps a King size bed would just not be big enough for that small man.

We have a new one in the running. We will refer to him as Ferris, for his unnatural resemblance to Ferris Bueler. I spotted him like a lion it's pray. After coaching my friend on how to balls out be bold, I clam up like a school girl. With the help of this coachable friend she strikes convo. Shortly after he drops the line "you are way too beautiful to be in this bar". And I am SOLD! So as we have it, Ferris took me on a real date. He opened doors, paid the bill and helped me up my ice lined stairs. One concern: this man's style. Jeans were a bit too tight and shoes were dirty and grubby, a faux pas for this establishment. However the concern was negated on the drive home where we hesitantly made a comment about how he needs more clothes. "Any suggestions?" says Ferris. He opened the door and I jumped right in. Second Date: the mall!

You can lead them to the lake but they MUST take the first sip.

If by date 2 or 3 they have not yet provoked in me, the desire to bust buttons and rip off their attire then its usually a sure sign it is going no where but south. The guy just has to have 'throw-down'!
Blue Eyes, (coffee guy), who yes - is back in the game after a little perserverance on his part, just hadnt fired up this fantasy yet. So I called Robinder and she gave it to me. Just put my mind into it and give it a good go were her words of advice. Dinner occured... and I knew that I had to bust right through my 'no booze for one month' New Years rezo to loosen up a lil. So I did. 2 glasses deep. Ready for the kiss. It occurs. Short. Sweet. No fantasy. One more time and I just commit. I was committed to get this guy to step up his sexual aggression. 10pm on the clock. 11:56pm I locked my door with all clothes still on the appropriate parts...tame, but damn I cant wait to see him again. Again, Robinder saves the date.

Lessons Learned

After my not-so-happy New Year I felt it necessary to reflect on the horrific dating year of 2009. What have I learned about dating? God, I must have learned something. So I posed the question to two of my closest allies, the ones that had to endure detailed reports of how each tragic date had played out. What was the biggest mistake I made when it came to the male species? Fortunately, or unfortunately, this was an easy question for them both and answers were spat back within minutes. And after that, there was no writer’s block. Unfortunately the keys practically typed themselves...


1 . Not seeing the forest for the trees
Hope comes before reality. We all do it, just in my case I do it with every man that tickles my fancy. It begins with my declaration of new found love to all those in a close proximity of my world (And sometimes to those that aren’t so close.) Descriptor words such as incredible, amazing, smart, down to earth, successful, and ‘great man’ are commonly tossed around. At 2 weeks is when it all comes undone. His douche bagginess is exposed...to me, and to the rest of the world he’s been a DB this whole time. 14 days you won’t get back. Just like the hockey player - fucks yah and chucks yah.

2. He’s going to get over her – he promises
False. This will NEVER ring true. You know who you are in this situation? Your just the hot naked girl in his bed with her face pasted on yours .Commitment? Not a chance. If you find yourself knowing facts about the ex like what kind of puppy she just got, what award she just won at work, where she bought her most recent furniture collection – girl he is far from over it...’he promises’. BOUNCE!

3. Converting old friends to lovers
Sounds like a brilliant idea, the beginning to a fairy tale, just think of the stories that could be told when you tie the knot...WRONG! Don’t let this ever so appealing idea cross that impulsive head of yours. I was a victim to this twice this year. As if I didn’t learn the first time. Cow tipping and beer bonging in your teens doesn’t equate to a fiery sex life in the present. Both cases were ahem, underperformers to say the least. One way to narrow down your facebook friends list?!

4. Opposites do attract...sometimes
Do a little research. If his passion is spending time at the lab researching cures for particular ocular diseases and yours is workin a crowd, maybe dig deeper... and if there is nothing there just state the obvious. You don’t want to be getting email invitations to hit the morgue to collect eye lids off dead bodies in order to take the research to the ‘next level’– There will be no next level - abandoned ship.

5. Blind dates and hot coffee don’t mix well... or do they?
Blind dates are like job interviews only with cocktails and in this case it was a Venti dark roast sans cream...extra hot. Lesson One in this scenario: Never run late for a blind date. I arrived like a hurricane, 20 minutes late, dishevelled and sweating. I spot him. Whoah, chiselled chin, fit, well dressed eyes that make your inner thighs tremble. I approach, he stands up, our hands embrace for a good shake and then it happened. Must have been my gale force, but that Venti covered his front from his bulging pecs, passed his man parts and all the way into his shoe. 6 seconds! 6 SECONDS! It gets worse. I run to the Barista and spill the news. I ask for a stack of napkins, a cloth and some quick advice. “Should I run?” I ask. It takes her awhile and she tells me to man up and scoot back to the table. There I find Blue Eyes still standing, shocked, in a pool of Pike Place. Lesson Two: Let him pat his own crotch region dry. There I was, on my knees, unfortunately not completely the task he had in his fantasy, patting his body down from pecs, to penis...all the way to his foot. Surprisingly, he took it all in well. He put his hand on my back and gently told me to get off the floor. You would think this would have sealed the deal...but quite the contrary. Blue Eyes still exists...after a month or so has passed we had a reunite. He dropped off some drugs to cure this ailing flu. Could he genuinely have interest in me after such an episode or am I his only hope now that he can’t reproduce?

2009 in Review: The Best and The Worst

(Excerpted from Blackberry messenger convo)

Robinder: You should hibernate every New Years. It is just not your time.
JiJi: Tell me about it.
JiJi: This just in. John just caught me on facebook.
Robinder: JOHN!! Oh god.
Robinder: What a way to start 2010.
JiJi: Wants to set me up with his little bro.
Robinder: NOOOOOOOO! Geek Squad. No. Definitely no.
Robinder: Good God. This John fellow is an endless source of dumb fuckery.
Robinder: Other than the house being super beautiful, that family has nothing for you JiJi.
Robinder: So what did you tell him about his bro?
JiJi: I said I dont think so. He was relentless.
Robinder: He is one of the weirder ones of 2009 for sure. Hot, yes, but off his rocker.
Robinder: Who was your favorite overall of 2009?
JiJi: I need a category as none of them are my favorites anymore.
Robinder: Ahh, good point. Ok we will break it into categories

And so we did...

Best Date of 2009: Golf guy, although I don't remember his name. It was a great meal, great convo, handsome man, tres exciting! Wait, he talked about his cat Gerald a lot. If I remember the cat and not the man that was an ill advised coupling for sure.

Worst Date of 2009: Hands down Cory. And he doesn't even deserve an alias. First football game of my life! Things are going well to me, the naive and optimistic one. Cory says, "Would you like a hamburger?", and I reply with a sweet, "No thank you!". He disapears for his suculant beef patty and....NEVER RETURNS! There I sit, infront of the rival team's fans, hamburgerless and dateless. How does this even happen?

Best Sex of 2009: Hockey guy. Without a doubt. He might even take the title for my lifetime. A shame he was so short lived. He was a charmer, a fit, handsome, athlete and his experience in the bedroom was for sure a result of frequency. Oh, I did my best to negate the stereo type that hockey players have, but it rang true in the end, player yes, master in the sack, yes! It was worth the heart ache.

Worst Sex of 2009: Cory takes another grammy for this one. Dont worry, it occured prior to being abadoned at the football game. Two words: Jack Rabbit. Ew!

Weirdest Date of 2009: Robinder said it, John. The rocker. Every girl loves a musician. And so his inconsistent, sparatic, oddball nature was not turned away fast enough by this girl. The type of guy that calls once a month and then 7 months go by and he tries to set you up with his brother. WHAT?!

Worst Repeat Offender: Man Child takes the cake. Hanging out naked occured for a solid year. My god, when does a girl learn. He had that scent, that edge, the kind of guy who could just brush the back of your arm and your clothes fell off. He was dangerous for a girl like me, the idealist. If I had a nickle for everytime I thought that guy was ready to commit, I wouldn't have a fake Dolce & Gabana, let me tell you!

Fastest Love to Hate Date of 2009: This goes to the Cheese guy. First couple dates was pure love. He picked me up in his sparkling sports car with my favorite Starbucks drink just waiting for me in the cup holder, takes me to my favorite restaurant and has my favorite dish, the cheese platter, pre-ordered so it greets us as we are seated. ALL the right moves to win this bursting heart over. Then things goes south rapidly. Date #4 and we decide to do our own wine and cheese. We head to the store and pick out a basketful full of expensive, orgasmic cheeses, hit the cash register and just casually he tells me he forgot his wallet. WHAT! You drove here A$$HOLE and I can see the wallet in you back pocket! I skip the wine store as obviously yours truly would be paying. Head home, he eats the cheese and helps himself to my wine collection. I fake a friend emergency, kick him out of the house and Cheese guy was never to be seen again. Chivalry please!

Where do I find these men?

That, my friends, should give you a taste of the past and an insight into the possible future of 2010...

A Much Needed Introdcution

Before I continue, I'd like to introduce to you a key character who frequents my existance. Her name is Robinder. She is a dear friend. She dishes it out straight up. She's got uncomparable wit about her and my GOD is she a good listener. Alright, lets carry on.

Drop This Ball Dick Clark

Traditionally New Year's Eve is celebrate with social gatherings spanning the transition into the new year. Mine, on the other hand, was celebrated with a bailey's and hot chocolate and a game of Crib to curb the wrath that the day prior had brought on.

Was New Year's Eve just a conclusion of what the past year has encompassed? Or god forbid, a forshadowing of my year to come? My dating life of 2009 was a force to be reconned with. It was a goddamn disaster. And now, so was my New Year's celebration.

On December 31, I, JiJi, was dumped, axed, discarded, via email. What a way to go. There I was, mowing down a spicy tuna roll with a friend, that little red light on my blackberry begins to blink and I cant resist. Subject reads: "You & I". You know this is a note of doom. At first I laugh, at the sheer audacity of delivery choice of such a communication! Is this the way of the world today? Has it become acceptable to dump via electronic device? I share this news with my fellow sushi eater across the table and he, being he, shrugs it off and offers me more of his Dynamite roll. I am not hungry, the rage is setting in and all I want is booze and cigarettes.

After a 2 hour pity party with my male friend who clearly is not too concerned with my state of being, I think to myself, what cures a broken heart better then a little make out session. And alas, right before my eyes lies the perfect candidate. We've done it before so it would be an easy conquer. I invited, he accepted. A little midafternoon, broken hearted make out session. Did it help the heal? Not a bit, if only 'The Emailer' knew about this.

The day carries on and I meet up with my lesbian friend. Crossing over to the other side is almost appealing after this horrendous dating streak. Instead, we get some ice cream, smoke some cigarettes and she listened to me erupt with rage over 'The Emailer'. No wonder the girls LOVE her. She's cute, caring and willing to listen to a girl bitch. Alas, I fly back to my home city to ring-a-ding-ding the New Year in.

This broken heart couldn't deal with much more then a hot chocolate and game of Crib and then it struck... the flu. And here I lay, aching from my head to my heart, alone in my quaint apartment...and so it begins.