Never date a man that quotes Nickelback lyrics...

I am almost ashamed to admit this one.

We will call this man "Hollywood" simply because he has this word TATTOOED ACROSS HIS BACK! This should have been my first clue to turn the other direction, but nope, I just had to see for myself.

"Hollywood" was a blind online date. After our first few emails were exchanged he decided to add me to facebook. A standard blind date move. Curious, as his pictures were very intriguing, I accept his friend request. I begin to creep and notice some professional modelling photos. I inquire. This man declares he was Mr.June in a national bachelor calendar. Oh. dear. god. I creep more and discover several pictures of this man with his face rammed between 2 large busted, Pam Anderson look-a-likes. We are a match! True compatibility! Just my style.... oh wait! My overall assessment at this point is: Legit Douche Bag. He puts out the date invite, I decline stating that we are just too 'different'.

A few weeks later I get a phone call from "Hollywood" almost demanding I give him a shot and stop judging him from his facebook page. The hopelessness in me gives in. You're right "Hollywood" - maybe I AM being judgemental! Date 1 takes place and he managed to appear more 'jock' and way less 'loser'. Date 2 occurs and my previous assessments proves accurate - LEGIT Douche Bag. He picked me up in his oversize truck and took me to lunch where he wore his white sunglasses the entire meal while in the shade. We then drove down to the park for a walk. During the ride, he rolled back the sunroof, dropped the windows and CRANKED a mix of Usher, Nickelback and Lil' Wayne at an obnoxious level. This is when I almost wished death upon myself. During the walk I noticed him staring for several minutes at a beautiful women nearby. I acknowledge this lengthy gaze and he declares that he has 'an eye for seeking out potential models and THIS girl should be a model'. Awesome... I contemplate regurgitating my frozen yogurt at this very moment but decide it was the only thing giving me pleasure so I keep it in. Thank baby Jesus that the storm clouds rolled in and tragically we had to end our date prematurely.

"Hollywood" is seeking additional dates, all the while posting new and improved pictures of himself in wife beaters surrounded by trashy women. Fear not...all offers will be declined from this point onward.