I'd like a divorce...

I am now clear on what it would feel like to be in a less then satisfactory marriage to a man. ‘Ken’ and I went directly from date 3 to common law status. This of course, was not my idea.


Date 1-3 were wonderful. Here he was, a handsome, successful, small town boy with funny and enduring quirks. He was affectionate beyond description and this spoke right too my piscean heart. Later on I would learn that this was his only redeeming quality.


Date 4 took a bit of a turn. We had a date night planned. He mentioned he would be late. What he didn’t mention is that he would arrive disheveled, reeking of a combination or Whiskey, bug repellent and body odor with no clean attire to change into. When he arrived I greeted him to help him carry his numerous unorganized, variety of bags up to my apartment. Immediately he declares he needs a shower and I echoed his declaration. He also casually mentioned he needed to wash his clothes as he was getting picked up at 6am for another sporting event tournament. You are sleeping over? Puzzled, I put his clothes in the laundry all the while curious as to what he would put on post shower. Oh, that was not a concern for this man. He decided it was perfectly normal to kick back in his ginch for the remainder of the evening. I found his un-natural ability to be completely comfortable around me to be somewhat enduring. I sure should not have shared that vibe, however.

Fast forward 2 short days. I receive a 5 minute warning that he is back to see me post sporting event again. I give him the benefit of the doubt that he will arrive in better shape then last time. WRONG! Same scent oozing from his pours. How this man ever had hand eye coordination on the field after consuming such a quantity of booze is truly beyond me. I spot a change of clothes and feel relieved. I also spot women's deodorant and feel confused. Shortly after arrival I spot him with his head in my fridge. I acknowledge and he says he is searching for snacks. I cheffed up some 'grub' and we settled in for a movie. Within minutes I had a dead rhinoceros on my lap. So deep into drunk REM sleep that the man cannot be woken. I blast music, vacuum, gab on the phone and nothing. So I leave him, continue on with my date with myself and eventually take myself to bed.

I wake up to a naked beast lying next to me who claims he has been up all night with a particular bowel disturbance. How romantic? He requests to be left in bed for the day. I leave for work and hear no further from him throughout the day aside from a text asking where I hide my bathroom tissue. At this point his once enduring qualities were on trial.

I return to a dehydrated human who's sex appeal was slowly dwindling. This dwindle picked up quite the pace. It appeared as though he had moved in. I got the sense that he was not going home. I admit, I am majorly faulted for giving people too many chances and empathy usually gets the best of me. This is the point I should have taken the man to his home that may or may not exist. However, my faults got the best of me and I didn't kick him out. No, no, I waited 2 more sleeps! 2 more baffling days of a common law relationship. He kicked it in ginch on the couch and now and then I would interrupt him with his hands scratching his man parts. He continued to battle his bowel disturbance's...in my wee one bedroom condo. He ate dinner out of a pot and had to be told to do the dishes. I found dirty socks between the couch cushions and a pair of his underwear behind the bathroom door. He made me privy to the fact that the take out we ate gave him horrendous gas. So bad that at times I had to leave the room. Is this what it is like after a few years of marriage?! One thing was for sure, I could now empathize with those nagging wives out there who's sex life no longer existed in their marriage. I HEAR YOU LADIES!

This morning I evicted my live in boyfriend.

As I watched 'Ken' enter the doors of his apartment, I felt peace. There was nothing to hide with this man. If this is what showed up in the first 4 dates, then it can only get worse from here. I pulled out of his visitor parking with confidence. I am filing for divorce for irreconcilable differences.